The more things you have to look back and say: I wish...that didn't happen. I wish, I didn't do that. I wish...things had turned out differently.
Life becomes less and less fairy tale like as there are more and more consequences.
I don't know how long my candle is. Maybe it will snuff out tomorrow. Maybe tonight. Maybe when I am old and 95 years old.
Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that. --James 4:13-16
Regret, my mother tells me, is one of those useless emotions. Self pity is another.
Yet in the past few weeks these emotions have been dwelling in me, and I cannot let them go.
I used to have a private blog which I named: Walking with Wisdom. I stopped writing there about 3 years ago. Just like this blog stopped some time ago as well. Maybe I stopped walking with wisdom, maybe I wasn't walking with her in the first place.
I don't quite know how I have come to this point in life where I really feel like I have failed. It doesn't look like I have failed but it sure feels like I have failed. Maybe it is a good thing to feel like a failure at 28. Many people don't feel like a failure until they are 55 and can't change anything. Much.
Did that make sense?
Or maybe feeling like a failure at 28 is not such a good thing...because there are so many years ahead...and they look so...empty.
People will tell me...live for others! Care for others, and then you won't find life empty any longer...Yes that is true. Deep inside us is the need to be wanted, needed...
I have become sceptical over the years. All the volunteer work I have done...is it done mechanically, or is it done out of a loving heart? Maybe all the hopes I harboured in the past have come to naught...and maybe that is why I feel sad and discouraged today.
What do I want to do in life? Somethings cannot happen without another. Yet there is this deep fear in my heart of loving...maybe it is too painful to love. Love can hurt. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Maybe this chest decided it better go under lock and key. And chuck it under somewhere you can't find it again. If I don't love deeply then I can't be hurt deeply either!! Safe! So safe!! So safe!!!
Don't fall in love, this heart says. Don't ever do. You know what happens!! Did your love really mean anything in the past? Did it? Was it just a feeling? Was it meaningless? Should I treat it as meaningless and then...then maybe dare to fall in love again?
Falling in love isn't hard, not when you allow yourself to. It's the staying in love that's tough. I'm afraid of that too!!
I was reading the Psalms lately. Most of it is full of lamentation. David is unhappy!! And then he ends them off with this: But I will yet praise Him, my saviour and my God!
I don't know about that anymore. It's like my entire understanding of God has turned haywire. Relationship with God? How about the fear of the Lord? Am I a hypocrite? Who does God mean to me? Can I give up my Isaac? Maybe God wants me to give up my whole life!! And yes, He does! And He promises to give me more than my life in return. But this person in me, this devilish thing, it doesn't want to give it up. It holds on so very tightly to that thing it desires...it grabs...so God cannot give. What happened to the girl who thought kindness more important than any other thing? She got caught in her own desires and was too 'tired' to be kind, too 'poor' to be generous, too 'busy' for others, too 'sick' to care...
And then was Jesus kind to those who did not repent? What if I did not repent?
Maybe it is better to be in this state than to be complacent. That is a comfort. For there is no hope for the complacent, but much hope for those who have to say: "Lord have mercy upon me, a sinner!"
I hope.
