Housekeeping

Today, I was in a bad mood all day and was quite a wreck. Also looked really worried and miserable at church and alot of people noticed. The nice thing about this church is that people notice.

Yesterday was a long day. Meei Yunn stayed over and we had a lovely morning together catching up. Afterward the young adults went to Ling Kwang Home for the aged to spend time with the old folks there. I miss volunteering. It gives me a good feeling to spend time with people no one wants to spend time with. Old folks have alot of wisdom to impart, and we young people just need to ask them and they can give us wisdom that we can't get on our own.

Children are like this too. They impart wisdom that young people forget. They see things in different ways, sometimes sweet, sometimes funny, sometimes surprising. We mustn't always just stick with our own age group, or say that the age gap is just too large.

Anyway, the topic I would like to bring up today is housekeeping. But my womanly spaghetti brain has decided that she must share another few anecdotes from this morning's sermon, which is related to children's surprising insights:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.  So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.  That's love." Rebecca - age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.  You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget," Jessica - age 8

Aren't children so sweet? Haha, anyway, back to housekeeping. Today, I got back from church after breaking down in front of Joelle (thank you, my dear housemate. You have really helped me through alot!! I don't share alot of things very often to many people, but these days I seem to let my feelings out more. It's not very good to bottle up emotions, so it is always good to have a trustworthy friend to share things with, who will not judge, and will not let the whole world know. Because some things are best kept within four walls.)

So I got back from church and felt exhausted, and went to sleep, still feeling quite bad. Then after a bit it felt really bad, and then by God's grace I picked up Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest and turned to today's devotion:

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

I felt immediately that God was speaking to me. For the past month or so, my devotions were done habitually, just a reading of God's word, then the reading of several devotions, but my heart and soul were not in it, and there was little joy derived from the understanding of it. And now I realize that it was because I had placed my expectations upon God's promise, and forgot that it was the process of arriving at God's promise that mattered more, rather than the promise...like the story of the Golden fleece, where the journey to get the golden fleece was what gave  a man strength and courage more than the promise that the Golden Fleece would magically give strength and courage to a man.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see “Him walking on the sea” with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see “Him walking on the sea” (Mark 6:49). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

I have been going through some turmoil in life, and I forgot that it is His will that I stay calm, faithful and unconfused during this period, and it glorifies Him. I forgot that my purpose in life was to glorify Him!!

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

This is an apt reminder that following God is a day by day process. It's following Him every moment, right now. Not tomorrow, not one hour later. 

Then, I turned backwards to the devotions of the past month, and found to my horror that although I had been reading the devotions like clockwork daily, nothing actually sunk in!! Because I saw in the daily devotions for July, enough of God's word to have guided me through the tough period of tender I was going through, and the emotional upheavals I was facing in other areas of my life.

So while I thought my walk with God was fine, in reality it was going downhill, backslidden. And just like my house, where I have suddenly discovered a mild ant infestation, probably due to my neglect of cleaning up during my tender period, my spiritual life has gone through another kind infestation, an infestation of doubt, of lack of faith, of lack of trust, of jealousy, envy, anger and discontentment. Infestations are hard to remove, once they are there. And the poison for the spiritual type of infestations are the word of God. Funny to think of the word of God as a poison! Haha but it is, poison is poison to things that cannot handle it, but life giving potion to what it was created to do. Weapons are good when used against the things that are bad!

Lord, I need to walk with You daily, and never neglect Your word, no matter how tired I am or how busy I feel. And if I feel terrible, and if I feel stressed, let me learn to tell myself to not allow the stress to get to me until I have spent my time with God. It is a question of priorities. Always put God first, then others, than myself. And then my life will be full of joy, and there will be an outpouring of love towards everyone around me, and there is the Kingdom of heaven, where God's abundance flows and there is always more than enough.

Thoughts

it's a beautiful Saturday Morning!! I slept till 830am!! And slept at 1030pm! And I FEEL AWESOME :))))

I think work will be okay next week. I have more energy now :D

I have been reading a lot of relationship books lately. It's being piled upon me by well meaning friends. Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot, you name it, I've read it. Even John McArthur and John Macdowell. Now I'm reading 'When God Writes Your Love Story' by Eric and Leslie Ludy.

I tend to read it on the bus/train before/after work. It's about an hour to work, so most days I squeeze in an hour to two hours of reading. 

I wonder if anyone notices that strange girl who reads relationship books everyday on the bus/train. They probably think she's another desperately single 25 year old looking for love...

Which I am, haha.

Anyway, I was reading "When God Writes Your Love Story" which is aimed at singles. And I found myself nodding at every turn...

The first time was when Eric wrote about how one day he was talking about girls with a bunch of friends and then suddenly it hit him that his future 'one' was alive and kicking. And he was wondering what she was doing at that time, and it suddenly hit him that...hey, what if she was with another guy? And what if...what if he were kissing her? What if...urggghhh!! Then it hit him...what if, his future wife thought the same of him? Would she ever have to deal with a man who had done things with another girl that he should only do with her?

Joelle and I had this interesting conversation during one walk we had at the reservoir. I think it was before K and I had 'the talk'...so I wasn't very sure about him just yet, mind you, I'm still yet unsure, but I'm sure that God will let us know. In good time. In forever. Anyway, during the early days when K and I started corresponding, there was one day when I wondered if he had ever been with another girl before. Then it occurred to me that I was desperately jealous of that girl, if he had been with her, that is. And then, of course it skipped a few steps, and then I wondered if he had ever kissed her before...and I felt a wave of not very nice emotions...and then it hit me at the same time that I was superbly glad that I had never kissed a boy in my life, neither had I ever been in a relationship before...And then of course I skipped a few more steps...and then I thought, what if K and I got together and broke up? What if we did things like kiss and then...my future husband will have to deal with that?

So I told Joelle confidently that I wasn't going to kiss anybody before marriage. She said it was going to be tough. I said confidently: Well, watch me do it! Then I thought about K...and what he is putting me through...hmm, well, if I know him he's even more conservative than me. But then of course my heart goes through little skips here and there, would I be able to do what I felt so confident to do, should K say he can't deal with that? I suppose I'll have to trust God on that one. And if K can't accept it then sorry man, God has someone better for me (not very easy to say when one is head over heels). But I can accept holding hands. I figured I wouldn't mind if my future husband had held hands with another girl before, so I'm ok with that. But I'm not ok with kissing.

Come to think of it, K might not want to hold hands till marriage. I'm ok with that too. More than ok.

Whatever it is, I suppose that was point shot one in this book. 

I'm melding my thoughts with yet another book I was reading. I think I read so many that they are all melding together and becoming an incomprehensible mess.

Then I read of Eric's elder sister who decided to put God first in her life and never worry about getting married. She met Scott at age 32! And he was attracted to the fact that she never seemed to go out of her way to impress or attract him, and he was attracted to the fact that she loved God and spoke of Him with such passion and love. And then for some reason I started to cry. 

I'm only 25 but I suppose I've been wondering for some time when I'd meet the guy I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. I went into headlong don't care, put God first and put my life into a whirlwind of activity. Anyway architecture school didn't give me alot of time to spare. K might not be the one, but he's certainly the first guy I've met whom I can say I really see this: he loves God more than he loves me. Of course this has to be taken out of the small pool of guys (is there even a pool) who have ever been attracted to me. 

Went out with LPL on Thursday after work because her Kh was on call and I was her impromptu half boyfriend. We were discussing K, and I told her how mum's reaction to K's method of 'getting to know a girl' was: Umm, is this how guys do things these days? LPL said this, which suddenly reminded me of what I was looking for in a guy last time: At least you know he puts God's will above his own. I think that is one of the many reasons why K did while the other small pool of guys didn't. I can't say that I'm such a wonderful, godly lady that I wasn't first attracted to him because he is a good looking, smart, intelligent fellow, but anyway, he has alot of other layers that I love. (there, lovesick young lady at your service!)

I don't know. K may not even be the one. We may think we are, for some time, but one never knows, I guess. Only God knows what may happen in the future.

Anyway, I started crying when I read about Eric's elder sister because I was so very grateful to have met K. I suppose it never really hit me before how I felt about being single, and not having met the right one yet...and wondering if there was ever a guy who would meet all those high ideals I set up so many years ago. And then God provided me with K, who has met those ideals and placed several ideals a few rungs higher. So I can only say, God, God thank you for showing me that guys like this exist! And God, it was alright waiting, because You are in charge! And even if K is not for me, at least I know guys like this exist, and God, You can bring him to me! 

Yeah. Anyway. I'm still crying. Thank you God, I'm just glad that there are guys out there who put God's will above their own, and who don't follow just their feelings, they follow what's right, and all that. And some of them are very handsome and desirable too. Like K. And, like Scott, have remained single...which made me cry too, because it's not easy to find a good guy who has remained single until he met you, because he was praying for you, even before he met you, and wanted exactly what you want, a godly relationship with a partner who has been doing the same thing as you.

Anyway. I sometimes have no faith and am afraid to post things like testimonies and stuff because I'm so afraid that what if K and I don't work out? Will it be worth while sharing our story? And now we're not together yet, even...I'm just worried that I'll be like a couple I know whose love story I thought was so beautiful, and then suddenly one day they broke up and I was devastated. I don't want to devastate another girl!

Perhaps it's me, that faithlessness....sometimes I'm afraid to tell people I'm praying for them because...what if the prayer didn't work? Isn't God all powerful? 

Dad would tell me that I'm insulting God. God is all powerful, what on earth am I doing doubting His goodness?

Steps

The only 'love stories' I care to read has been the Anne series by LM Montgomery.

For some reason, those love stories i can take. Other love stories bore me...

I have had crushes before. My 'first crush' was a little boy in Primary one and one day I had to sit with him in class and I was so shy I looked the other way the whole time and got a neck crick. My 'second crush' was in secondary school when I joined the school Wushu team and the team leader was awful buff and handsome so I think I had a crush on him. No idea where he is now.

My 'third crush' was some guy at church. This was the first serious one I think. I mean, it was pre-u and people start becoming more serious at that time. Kinda. More. But God didn't let anything happen...and I went to Singapore.

I had about two 'more serious' crushes in uni. A couple of guys asked me out and some asked me to be their girlfriend. Most of the time I wasn't interested. It was like the guys I was interested in wasn't interested in me, and the guys I wasn't interested in were.

Then uni ended, and there were two guys after that. One wasn't a Christian, the other was too fast. I mean like, I wasn't ready when he asked, so I panicked. He wasn't a bad guy, just didn't handle it properly.

But I'm glad I didn't say yes. Cos then now there's this special someone. Who was 'too slow' for a while, but then I am so very glad for the slowness! Because if he requested courtship now I would still be unable to answer, but he had the wisdom to define our relationship instead, and laid out simple guidelines to our move toward something more serious, should it be within God's will.

I am very glad for the waiting. And even if he and I decide to desist, and we do not get together, i am glad for the knowledge of this very godly way of handling boy-girl friendships and feelings and love. There is no way I will ever regret this getting to know him better, and we have done nothing toward each other that could hurt our mates in the future, should it not be each other.

I thank God that He has allowed this part of my life to be handled in such a manner, filled with prayer and the seeking of His will. It has changed me somewhat, and taught me some virtues that I couldn't have learned otherwise. And I think God has been training him too, to take the lead in this friendship.

I do know he goes by the book though! Haha. He had key words all memorized. But that's okay. I appreciate his effort. He has been the only guy I've met thus far who has sort of fulfilled some mental checklist of what I admire in human beings in general, and he keeps doing things/saying things that reinforce that he is quite exactly in fulfillment of that checklist, though he isn't a cellist at all. I never knew I had that checklist before...haha. The most important thing was actually for human beings who did the right thing even if it hurt them, and this guy is just that. He's also very humble, sweet, kind, disciplined, responsible, and he admires things that I admire too. And he's also handsome and smart. haha.

well, will see where God leads us.

Hmmm

interesting.

Faith

Today's devotion! So qiao right? ^^

Faith and Humility

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. --Hebrews 11:1

There are a great deal of things that I need to have faith about. For one thing, the fact that I need to improve myself and learn to deal with some people in a better manner, because it is right and it is good and just because they irritate me (and mymy they shouldn't, because they are the people who love me most) well, I think this is one of the hardest things I have to do...but I HAVE TO DO IT because it is the right thing to do. Denying myself constantly and without stop for breath is probably the hardest thing for me to do, because I always go easy on myself, but what is a test unless there is a standard pegged to it?

Test or not, it isn't ultimately a test of myself, but rather, a test of my own ability to have faith in God, and to increase my dependance of Him by utterly denying all that is me, and my own feelings of irritation.

Urgh. I think of how I feel and I know how wrong it is to feel this way. How ugly it makes me, how dreadful! I think it's because I think of myself as a great, big Somebody and that is why it irritates me to feel like the Nobody I should be!

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind let each consider other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. -- Philippians 2:3-4

God has been getting at me for two items lately. Faith, firstly, and secondly, humility.

I have very little faith. I have always a niggling feeling inside that God will not answer. But then I realize that if a desire is good and right and God-honoring then, God says that I can have faith that what I hope for will come to pass, even if I cannot see it right now. So it is not trusting in my good God, in the plans that He has for me, in the goodness He desires to see in me. So let me have more faith, and know that God is changing me and He is truly changing me and I WILL CHANGE and it will be a beautiful and God-honoring change that I can praise God for in times to come.

And I am a very proud person. I often do not consider myself lower than other people. This pride is always in me. In all the niggling things in life I have to pick and choose portions where I am better than another, just to feel better about myself. Urgh, isn't this ugly? I think my pride comes through and it isn't a nice thing to see. So I must pray for God to humble me. I am even afraid to pray this because I am terrified at what He will do, but I think my character change is more important than my feelings.

PRAY FOR LOWLINESS OF MIND AND TO CONSIDER OTHERS BETTER THAN MYSELF.

Everyone is better than myself. Every human is to be treated with the utmost respect, and to look to them to see what we might learn. If I feel superior to the Bangladeshi worker because I earn more money, well, God says that is wrong. So this is to banish feelings of superiority. I feel like a very terrible person now, but God says when we feel terrible about ourselves, that's when we are most close to God.

That's humility. It's less about feeling good than doing right. And then it becomes less surface happiness and it becomes something very close to joy. Jesus, Others, You. That's what JOY is.

The removal of self from the equation.

Now I must wait up patiently for information from another. And let me do this humbly, and not consider my time as so very important that I cannot wait for another. 

The Sabbath

Today, I was forced to observe the sabbath.

And I think I really need this sabbath.

I slept all day and I'm still so exhausted. And my backache is terrible.

So it is good, to observe the sabbath day. Thank God for creating the sabbath!

Been attending Chinese Service lately, with Joelle and Pei Ling. haha. I am semi-clueless throughout the service.

But the Chinese Version of 1st Corinthians 13 is very pretty!

爱是恒久忍耐， 又有恩慈； 爱是不嫉妒， 爱是不自夸， 不张狂，不作害羞的事，不求自己的益处， 不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，不喜欢不义， 只喜欢真理；凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望， 凡事忍耐；
林前十三 4－7

and the memory verse for today:

出埃及记第二十章17节
不可贪恋人的房屋；也不可贪恋人的妻子，仆婢，牛驴， 并他一切所有的。

Of Resolutions

It's Chinese New Year and I realize I haven't really done any resolution making. I was kinda busy over the New Year and I never bothered to think properly about some really important stuff.

Well, I suppose this CNY hols I better be honest and write down some important stuff.

So this will be my resolution list:

1) Sign up for that PPE exam. I've had everything ready since last year but I've been putting it off because I've been being an idiot. It's not a difficult thing to do. Just drop the thing at the BCA and start meeting with my supervisors every 3 months. Argh, so hard to do meh? But me, and my fickle-minded indecisiveness will kill me one day.

2) Be more decisive. Sometimes, I believe I am very decisive. And then I realize that I'm not really. I really don't know what to be. Should I be decisive? Arghh.

3) Join a marathon. Even 10km one will do. Just go and run okay!

4) Go on a holiday. All my leave doesn't have to be spent on going home!! I need a real break sometimes. I love home, and I love my family, but this Singapore Working Environment requires a Real Break where I can hang around somewhere noone knows me and I get to put a hat over my head and collapse on a beach. Ok, I can't do that on a mission trip...but God knows it'll be better than the Singapore Working Environment. I bet they have R&R too.

5) Mission Trip. (May be Combined with Resolution No.4) I have no idea where. The Philippines was once an option. Actually it still is, but I want to try a new place. Vietnam, Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia? Shanghai? I'm not sure yet. The missions team at church has yet to come up with their list. I await it with an open mind. If not, I'm considering going to India with my friend's church team. Always wanted to do India, anyway.

6) Figure out this relationship thing. It's very confusing and I'm not sure half the time what is going on. Why are boys so confusing? What on earth do they want? What are they thinking? What did they think they were doing? What is the point? Why don't they tell us what they are thinking? Why just do and not say! Argggh. Anyway, I do believe that I'm not going to be single. I think I want to adopt alot of kids. Anyway, it certainly takes alot of providence to find someone to fall in love with, and who falls in love with you too. So I suppose I'm going to tack on some trust on that. And God, of course, our greatest matchmaker.

7) Pick up guitar. Dad wants me to. He wants one of his kids to play guitar, and since I'm the manliest of his girls he spent CNY trying to teach me guitar. I think I'm hopeless, but one should be nice to one's dads. My little bro is a pianist and the other bro prefers to knock computers about and swipe his ipad. So I think I'll spend sat mornings learning guitar then. I think there are classes held in church.

8) Volunteer. Alright. I've been thinking of doing this for ages. Ever since I gave up tuition on Saturday mornings I am seeking to do something about it. I can't learn guitar and volunteer at the same time. So which one comes first? And can I handle so many things? I also need to keep house and do laundry and  sweep and mop the floor and bake. I always like to fill up my time with so many things I hardly have time to breathe. Then I drop everything and realize I have too much time to breathe and then I get sick. So stupid. So volunteer or guitar? I dunno. Anyway, I want to do something with Autistic kids or Down Syndrome etc. Maybe just troubled kids. I can't really handle old people...but then that's just how I feel. I am going to pray God open some door nearby so I can helps some group of people.

*side note: I realize alot of people pray about something they have already thought about. I tend to pray things like: Hello God I don't know what to do please open the door and I'll walk through it. I suppose this is a side effect of my indecisiveness.
*Ok I have sent out a ton of volunteer forms. I'm not even sure where I have applied now.

9) This is the I Think I Can't Do It But I Must Resolve To kind of resolution. I have realized one thing about myself: I am a horrible person when people are horrible to me. Heh. It takes character to be a nice person when people are horrible to me. So, I need to develop a character that is sweet and kind and honorable even when treated in a most disgraceful manner (Or So I Think).

There really should be a 10 but I'm poofed and need to prepare dinner.

Tata. I've done my duty for this year. Pray I'll be able to keep it.

10) I have suddenly learned about this thing called discipling. I need to find one person to disciple this year. It has suddenly become an Important Thing. I shall look among the younger girls at church and learn to share my life with her. I have some idea who already but I shall pray about it so that I will know if it is God's will or not, or just some silly notion I have in my head.

Fear of Death

2 Corinthians 4

Therefore, since God in His mercy has given us this new way, we never give up. We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don't try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this. If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing.

Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don't believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don't understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God. You see, we don't go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves your servants for Jesus' sake.

For God, who said, "Let there be light in the darkness,"has made this light shine in our hearts so that we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 

Yes, we live in constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you. But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, "I believed in God, so I spoke." We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you.

All of this is for your benefit. And as God's grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

say

i have a lost evening.

i had plans this evening, but the plans were cancelled, thus, what could have been, was lost.

so how do i spend this lost evening?

i want to catch a sunset...

a beautiful sunset.

so i will run today, run in the evening...

and rejoice in my health, in my youth, in the pleasure of pushing my body once again.

it's a long time since i've had the chance to run!

my body is tingling with the pleasure of the idea.

oh how i've missed my runs!! oh how glad i am for the alone time!!

how glad for duties forgotten, and happiness derived!!

God, thank God for You!!! For all You have blessed me with!!

For a backache gone, for a headache gone!! Thank God for health!! Oh thank God for youth!!

Haha :)

Thank God for His wisdom, and guidance, in all I do.

Father, You are mighty, and worthy of all praise!

2013

This year, I want to learn one thing: To praise and serve God no matter what the circumstances.

Because He is good, and His plans are good, and I must trust in Him!

This world is imperfect, and everyone in it is imperfect.

I'm not certain what will happen this year, but He is constant and never changing. Thank God for that.

I begin this year on uncertain footing. Still, there is something special about it.

I am glad, glad for the goodness He has placed in my life. He has blessed me so, and will continue to bless me, with everything I need, no more and no less, exactly enough.

So this year begins with praise, no matter what the circumstances.