Faith (A Very Random Post)

I am struggling with a concept called faith. I doubt all the time. God is dim, far away. I can't see Him. So I don't care. I do things like God isn't there to watch me. I am struggling with it, and I will never stop struggling. There has never been a time where I truly had faith, come to think of it. Not a drop. Not a cubic nanometre. There is always doubt at the corner of my mind.
I want to please God. I am so desirous of this I even tend to try and justify God. If things go wrong, I tell myself that God is in control. And I believe he is. I do I do. Do I?
What is faith? What is belief. Faith is belief in the invisible, the intangible. And isn't it just an oxymoron? Who can truly believe? Truly have faith. There may be some, but I am not one of them. I am so full of doubt. And do you? Honestly? I don't know. Perhaps you do...I can't say I do, and it troubles.
When I worry I turn to Matthew 6. God's eyes is on the sparrow. He clothes the lilies of the valley. How much more will he not take care of us? And yet when God wills it the sparrow dies. When there is drought the lilies wilt. Suffering is so rampant. Affluent people pray: Lord, take these trials away. Persecuted people pray: Lord, give me strength to face this trial.
When I pray, it is not always answered. I suffer setback. God, didn't you promise me that all things works together for the good of those who love God? (Romans 8:28). Why isn't it working right? Why do I suffer setback after setback? I think there are people who may be suffering even more. How can they go on having faith when they are suffering great persecution? When they have cancer, or like Joni Earickson, suffer paralysis? Perhaps we can say that God does it so that good can come of it. We know that ultimately it will be so. And meanwhile unfairness, injustice occurs. All of God's people suffered.
What is a relationship with God? How can you have a relationship with someone you can't see? And who sometimes never answers. Who sometimes is so distant you wonder if God is there at all.
I read The Great Divorce by C.S.Lewis, a long time favorite writer of mine. It is an allegory, not true in any sense, more...I really don't understand, I just find more and more meaning in it...I have to read it again, and again. And once more. In it, there is another journey after you die. An intermediate place (not like purgatory) more like a place where you continue to move toward God. There, you start off in a place where there is no fire, not like hell, but rather where you create a banal existence without meaning or purpose. And then there is the bus that takes you to another place. This place is uncomfortable. You cannot move in it because it hurts. Every step is agony. And then there are the bright people, who guide you. They say the more you step the less it will hurt. And there are things you have to get rid of. Lust. There was a man with a little demon of lust on his shoulder, and it was agony to let go of it. But when it was destroyed he changed. Then the woman who thought she loved her son. But it wasn't love. It was mother love gone wrong, a crippling thing. And she never saw the light. The man who lived on other's emotions. Who played it like an instrument. Make others feel bad and get your way. All the little evilness in a human's character. And they are all the same. In a human's eyes there may be gray spots, wickedness more wicked than another. But they are all the same here.
Doubt and faith go together? Without doubt, can it be called faith...
I have to go now, and haha, I've written a ton. These are just random things that pop into my head. Still, as Philip Yancey writes in his book "Reaching for the Invisible God": The only thing more difficult than having a relationship with an invisible God is having no such relationship.

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Oh, feel like writing again. I just got back from studio because there is nothing I can do there as yet. Sigh. Anyway, Studio, studio..this is going to be my random-est post yet, and probably the most shocking. Who am I? I don't know. I just drank coffee because I think I may have to stay up today to do master plan mapping, as Jeffrey Ho of Surbana Urban Planning group puts it. Coffee makes me act funny. Really. And say lots of random, unrelated, incomprehensible things.
I was walking back from studio (I do it a lot, back and forth, forth and back.) and decided to take the long way rather than my usual shortcut through engin, which I can do in my sleep (I usually do it in my sleep, at least, in that semi-comatose state you get into when slicing white cardboard at 4am). The long cut is the one passing Central Forum. Yeah, and I took the lift up to the 3rd floor because it was my usual route and then went down to the 2nd floor (which is the 1st floor on the other side) using the staircase (down is easier). And wandered along the curvy pathway past CELC.
Wish I could romanticize it. Big moon in the sky. Stars. Constellations (astronomy freak at your service). Crisp cold air. Silence. Connection with the universe.
Frankly, the air stunk. Haha, it was cold, but not crisp...(on a separate note the RH windbreaker is very nice when you first set out into the cold, but after some brisk walking it gets kind of warm...)...think there was dump-site nearby. And it was lonely. Rather scary...(Another separate note, Techno Edge is quite eerie at 1am in the morning.)...
Hehe, and guess what I saw? A lone Rafflesian jogging along the road...I won't say who, but whoever it is is from Road Race. There's dedication for you.
Oh, we had Pheonix Fest today. Hmm, Rafflesians are rather...kayu. It was held in comm hall rather than the takraw court because it was raining. And then it stopped when the tech team did their stuff in comm hall, so we had it in comm hall anyway! The first performance was Jack with "Qinqinqin" (money in canto) and the song that won Talento, "Piao Liang Nv Hai" complete with the three "piao liang nv hai's" from Talento! His performances are always a blast, but I felt there was some lack of enthu among the Rafflesians! I wonder why. I left then to change (I spent the WHOLE day out...Went to check site out, lecture, lunch, tutorial, AKI con, lecture...Argh) and (Oh, forgot to mention I had to dash from a lecture at Science fac to CL to studio in about 20 minutes flat, in the meantime find a book called "cube" which was borrowed *swt* in CL and find a person to pass my mapping to, which is now the cause of half my problems T.T) then when I came back I found I missed Gail's performance T.T and a few other performances...then came the individual singers, the dancers (hilarious! Practically the most entertaining of the lot haha!) and then the cme (Alex is good with the flute, and Leanne was funny!!! Haha, I mean the last part of the first song, not her flute playing later hhee) (Oh, I love stringed instruments! I love the sound of the er hu. And the yang qin (not gu zheng hhaa!!!)...and I think saxophone players are, uh...sexy, REALLY!!! (Coffee, coffee...)) (And I didn't know Clara played the flute) (Oh, and Jia Shen plays the drums??) (And...haha!) Anyway, there are just so many musically talented people in hall (why didn't Wei Ting play the violin!!! But the dance was great) And Yuko and Eileen and Jing Fen, Thomas, the other guys (dunno names sigh) great voices! I wish I was talented too haha! In my dreams I play the cello, I like the cello. There was this really handsome cellist in an mpo performance I went with a bunch of F6 friends after STPM...liked the cello ever since haha!) I play the piano, the guitar, the violin...in my dreams. Will remain there. Hhee. Anyway, Pehonix Fest ended with the final year performance, which personally I thought was very good. However, Rafflesians very kayu and however much TK was trying to work the crowd they just didn't get worked up. Hope next year's intake more 'on'. Not that I have any right to say that. I am not 'on' myself. Haha. OOoo, and I love that Shrek song, and that The Calling (Wherever You Will Go) song...haha...Anyway, got very hungry after the performances and went to cheers...but they were OUT OF RUFFLES. And I was craving Ruffles. yeargh.
Windows. Brings to mind the term defenestrate. I learned it from a David Edding's book (I think I mentioned I read a lot). It means to throw someone/something out the window. Then this soldier said he defenestrated the enemy soldier...and the Lady was like "What!!! That's horrible!" You see, taken another way, the soldier could have made windows in the...er...I don't think you want to know...(I told you coffee does strange things to me.)
I think this is enough. Haha. Coffee is making me feel sleepy, for some reason. Goodnite. (9am lecture tomorrow. Looking forward to it. (Really!!! I saw a cute guy somewhere in lecture hall today! See whether I can find him again?? Lol) (Coffeee!!! Yarghs!!!) (And I did not say during which lecture, and I wander into the wrong lecture halls occasionally. He may or may not be in my course.) (And he IS cute. So there.) (He's chivalrous...hehehe... :P)