A Profundity

Once in a while, I go on a blog binge, meaning that I check up all the old blogs I used to follow regularly, just to see what those blog people have been up to and whatnot.

I shan't tell you which blogs I visit, some of them are really girly blogs about makeup and stuff (seriously I am not that sort of girl, but sometimes they really are so pretty, you know) and some of them are of these pretty girls who write really well and attend Oxford or something. Sometimes the blogs are mother blogs, some of them are cooking blogs. I even occasionally visit sewing blogs. I realize very few men blog, or if they do, they rarely update or I am not interested anyway. Oh except for David Lebovitz, but he's gay.

On a side note, I kept bumping into the most beautiful guy last semester and the last time I saw him he smiled and said hi, and so of course I got kinda interested, so i stalked him using the usual stalk tactics and turns out he's gay. I suppose nice, handsome gorgeous young men tend to be gay. So sad :( But I digress.

I wonder what sort of blogger I am, and if anyone chanced upon this blog would anyone care to stay?

I suppose, being myself, I would be rather flattered if anyone wanted to even read my blog, if they didn't know who I was and were interested in it for it's own sake. Rather than the interest of a friend or the interest of a kaypoh. But then inside I also feel rather worried, should many people read this blog, will I remain writing what I write or thinking about who reads it, and tailoring my writing to meet the needs of these phantom readers?

There, I attempt profundity and realize I cannot continue. I really must be myself or none at all.

Anyway, I write here two days before my results are going to be out, and I must say I have inside me a rather nagging fear that I love to brush off with my usual "Oh don't think about it, it's going to be fine." but then when it does occasionally occur to me I feel this uncomfortable feeling rearing up like a bushel of dragonflies in the pit of my stomach wondering "what if it weren't fine?"

I wrote in an earlier post on this blog (I tend to mix up what I've written here and what I've written in my tumblr sometimes) about grabbing the bull by it's horns and facing the world and that the world owes me nothing and all that. Well, I wrote that before I sent out my cvs and portfolios and prayed very hard that somehow one of these 6 firms I applied to would grant me an interview. So that was basically what grabbing the bull by it's horns meant. You know, self promotion gets kinda scary when you look at yourself and don't feel exactly promotable. So I had to (grab the bull (myself) by the horns) look hard at myself, figure out which projects expressed myself best, and put it all into a booklet to make myself look better than I actually was.

Turns out I am rather impressed with my own work at points, and I wonder why my grades didn't quite show it. haha. Oh well, maybe my standards are low.

Still, right now my stomach turns at the thought of going to work and having my employers realize they really got a noob of noobs as an employee, after my shameless self promotion during the interview, during which i forgot to mention my weaknesses and remembered only my strengths. Argh. Is this dishonest? I should have mentioned that I am not exactly a top student, but I kept saying I liked this project and I liked the other project I did and why and all that and I suppose there was an impression that the projects were actually good (Actually I really think they looked rather cool, just that for some reason my grades didn't reflect that, but I didn't mention that...)

Oh dear I feel like my desperation to get a job has made me shameless in the interview room.

But who on earth tells the interviewer that I am really bad at what I do and please don't hire me?

In architecture, it's the portfolio that matters, not the grades. That's why they didn't ask me for my grades, they told me to bring my portfolio. My portfolio looks ok.

But my grades don't! D:

I am feeling very guilty now.

My main problem in this course is guilt. I never take credit for luck...which is basically what I have to rely upon alot when designing, because you know, in creative work, you 'suddenly' chance upon a really good idea and you have no idea how it happened, and you better not mention that you didn't know how it happened.

so I happily always mention that I didn't know how it happened. so I die there.

I should have taken a course where I know what happens. Like provable stuff. Not a course that's half the person and half the work.

But oh well, I'm a Master graduate...in two days...if i pass...arggghhh...of a subject I don't really know much about (honest, I still think I don't know what I'm doing) and I wonder if everyone thinks that? I have a PhD friend and he seems to think he knows more than everyone else about his PhD topic, which I suppose is true because he's the only one who ever did research on it. He's working for NASA on top secret stuff now. So I suppose it's true. Masters is really nothing lor, wait till you get a PhD.

Okay, here I am belittling my Masters again. I better quote myself just after I finished submissions: "Seriously, I think I learned more in my masters year than in my four years getting my bachelors."

But I still think I don't know enough...there is so much more I need to learn...

But no way I'm going to get a PhD. Too much work. Haha. (Secretly I don't think I can do it @@) And no point...you are very highly educated but you only get to teach. No point. I prefer to go into business.

Which brings me to wonder what I really want to do in life. I realize one thing: I Do Not Want to be An Architect For a Long Time.

But I also know that: "I Don't Know What I Want to Do, Really."

I was thinking I wanted to be a developer instead, but one needs alot of money to be a developer, not something I can be at once. I also want to do some sort of business, not very sure what sort of business, but I do.

Then I think...But I'm a girl. Okay, I know, equality of the sexes and all that. However, if I ever did have kid, I will give up certain dreams I have to look after those kids. I think it's important.

Nohow. Life is never what you plan it to be. At any rate, at least I know God is in control.

What a long post about nothing, and not very profound either, whatever the aims of these post.