Thoughts

it's a beautiful Saturday Morning!! I slept till 830am!! And slept at 1030pm! And I FEEL AWESOME :))))

I think work will be okay next week. I have more energy now :D

I have been reading a lot of relationship books lately. It's being piled upon me by well meaning friends. Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot, you name it, I've read it. Even John McArthur and John Macdowell. Now I'm reading 'When God Writes Your Love Story' by Eric and Leslie Ludy.

I tend to read it on the bus/train before/after work. It's about an hour to work, so most days I squeeze in an hour to two hours of reading. 

I wonder if anyone notices that strange girl who reads relationship books everyday on the bus/train. They probably think she's another desperately single 25 year old looking for love...

Which I am, haha.

Anyway, I was reading "When God Writes Your Love Story" which is aimed at singles. And I found myself nodding at every turn...

The first time was when Eric wrote about how one day he was talking about girls with a bunch of friends and then suddenly it hit him that his future 'one' was alive and kicking. And he was wondering what she was doing at that time, and it suddenly hit him that...hey, what if she was with another guy? And what if...what if he were kissing her? What if...urggghhh!! Then it hit him...what if, his future wife thought the same of him? Would she ever have to deal with a man who had done things with another girl that he should only do with her?

Joelle and I had this interesting conversation during one walk we had at the reservoir. I think it was before K and I had 'the talk'...so I wasn't very sure about him just yet, mind you, I'm still yet unsure, but I'm sure that God will let us know. In good time. In forever. Anyway, during the early days when K and I started corresponding, there was one day when I wondered if he had ever been with another girl before. Then it occurred to me that I was desperately jealous of that girl, if he had been with her, that is. And then, of course it skipped a few steps, and then I wondered if he had ever kissed her before...and I felt a wave of not very nice emotions...and then it hit me at the same time that I was superbly glad that I had never kissed a boy in my life, neither had I ever been in a relationship before...And then of course I skipped a few more steps...and then I thought, what if K and I got together and broke up? What if we did things like kiss and then...my future husband will have to deal with that?

So I told Joelle confidently that I wasn't going to kiss anybody before marriage. She said it was going to be tough. I said confidently: Well, watch me do it! Then I thought about K...and what he is putting me through...hmm, well, if I know him he's even more conservative than me. But then of course my heart goes through little skips here and there, would I be able to do what I felt so confident to do, should K say he can't deal with that? I suppose I'll have to trust God on that one. And if K can't accept it then sorry man, God has someone better for me (not very easy to say when one is head over heels). But I can accept holding hands. I figured I wouldn't mind if my future husband had held hands with another girl before, so I'm ok with that. But I'm not ok with kissing.

Come to think of it, K might not want to hold hands till marriage. I'm ok with that too. More than ok.

Whatever it is, I suppose that was point shot one in this book. 

I'm melding my thoughts with yet another book I was reading. I think I read so many that they are all melding together and becoming an incomprehensible mess.

Then I read of Eric's elder sister who decided to put God first in her life and never worry about getting married. She met Scott at age 32! And he was attracted to the fact that she never seemed to go out of her way to impress or attract him, and he was attracted to the fact that she loved God and spoke of Him with such passion and love. And then for some reason I started to cry. 

I'm only 25 but I suppose I've been wondering for some time when I'd meet the guy I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. I went into headlong don't care, put God first and put my life into a whirlwind of activity. Anyway architecture school didn't give me alot of time to spare. K might not be the one, but he's certainly the first guy I've met whom I can say I really see this: he loves God more than he loves me. Of course this has to be taken out of the small pool of guys (is there even a pool) who have ever been attracted to me. 

Went out with LPL on Thursday after work because her Kh was on call and I was her impromptu half boyfriend. We were discussing K, and I told her how mum's reaction to K's method of 'getting to know a girl' was: Umm, is this how guys do things these days? LPL said this, which suddenly reminded me of what I was looking for in a guy last time: At least you know he puts God's will above his own. I think that is one of the many reasons why K did while the other small pool of guys didn't. I can't say that I'm such a wonderful, godly lady that I wasn't first attracted to him because he is a good looking, smart, intelligent fellow, but anyway, he has alot of other layers that I love. (there, lovesick young lady at your service!)

I don't know. K may not even be the one. We may think we are, for some time, but one never knows, I guess. Only God knows what may happen in the future.

Anyway, I started crying when I read about Eric's elder sister because I was so very grateful to have met K. I suppose it never really hit me before how I felt about being single, and not having met the right one yet...and wondering if there was ever a guy who would meet all those high ideals I set up so many years ago. And then God provided me with K, who has met those ideals and placed several ideals a few rungs higher. So I can only say, God, God thank you for showing me that guys like this exist! And God, it was alright waiting, because You are in charge! And even if K is not for me, at least I know guys like this exist, and God, You can bring him to me! 

Yeah. Anyway. I'm still crying. Thank you God, I'm just glad that there are guys out there who put God's will above their own, and who don't follow just their feelings, they follow what's right, and all that. And some of them are very handsome and desirable too. Like K. And, like Scott, have remained single...which made me cry too, because it's not easy to find a good guy who has remained single until he met you, because he was praying for you, even before he met you, and wanted exactly what you want, a godly relationship with a partner who has been doing the same thing as you.

Anyway. I sometimes have no faith and am afraid to post things like testimonies and stuff because I'm so afraid that what if K and I don't work out? Will it be worth while sharing our story? And now we're not together yet, even...I'm just worried that I'll be like a couple I know whose love story I thought was so beautiful, and then suddenly one day they broke up and I was devastated. I don't want to devastate another girl!

Perhaps it's me, that faithlessness....sometimes I'm afraid to tell people I'm praying for them because...what if the prayer didn't work? Isn't God all powerful? 

Dad would tell me that I'm insulting God. God is all powerful, what on earth am I doing doubting His goodness?