This is going to be a very raw and raving post that you don't have to read, really. But I would like it if you did, because it is important to me. And maybe, maybe you will understand?
I haven't been living my life right. You know, sometimes you think you are living your life right, and things seem to be going fine, but actually it's not? That is how I feel my life has been for a long time.
One thing I have realized recently is that acceptance is something that everyone really craves. I have seen so many instances of people not being accepted for who they are, and I think that it is something really horrible. I have been un-accepting of people too, badly so, and I am very, very ashamed of myself.
I am watching Evan Almighty now!! Haha!! I remember watching Bruce Almighty with Rachel Foong the night before we went off for a writer's camp. Rachel is a very nice girl who talked with me a lot when I was a quiet, lonely little girl seated at the corner of church during Youth Service...and she encouraged my writing because she saw I enjoyed reading!! A little bit of kindness goes a long way. And I am afraid I haven't been good at doing little bits of kindnesses!!! A little bit of kindness always brings more kindness, and more and more...and shyness is never an excuse not to be kind.
There are so many ways to be kind!! There are so many people who are not accepted for some small thing they have done, or some queerness that are unique to them...or for a fault they are unable to overcome on their own. And so people talk about them, and laugh at them, and don't talk to them because they are perceived as uncool, or weird...and maybe they are.
I am feeling so ashamed of myself now. There are some people whom I have not been kind to because of perceived ideas about them, or maybe I feel that they are irritating people, or they trouble me...and this is so wrong. SO WRONG. I don't know. Some of these people really get on my nerves, and after a whole lot of kindness they still continue doing what should not be done. Perhaps they have mental problems...these kind of people are very often marginalized by society. And bullied. And yet they desire God so much. I feel ashamed for what I have done. I tried to be kind. But why was I doing it?
The motivation is important. Why are you doing it? To be perceived as kind? To have people admire you? I think it was for people's admiration that I did what I did. And there was no love involved.
But there are kindnesses you can do that will receive no praise. Perhaps you will be marginalized like some others are marginalized. Gone is the acceptance you crave.
Kindnesses like standing up for a person who is being made fun of...kindnesses like talking to a person who's weird and making them feel accepted. And then you find these people aren't really that bad after all. There are some exceptions, I admit, though. I don't know how to handle those. T.T
I have been so wrong. So filled with awfulness. I am so wrapped up in myself and my own worries. I have not been walking with my God. I may have thought I was walking with Him, but I most certainly wasn't!!
There is also something else I haven't been doing, and that is forgiving.
Oh you know, you know, mummy was saying that on the day of judgment you will judge yourself? (I miss mummy) By your conduct on earth...if you forgive people on earth, you will be forgiven also, if you were kind to people, it would be as if you were doing it Jesus.
Pride is another of my vices. I am so proud, oh so proud. I am afraid to hurt myself, so I hurt others. And I do it without thinking.
So many things, so many problems with me.
Then the Bible tells us to go the extra mile. To do more than what is expected of you. To think of others, to do things without expecting anything in return.
I've gotta make a turn-about-face!!
Now for action!! ACTION!! WAhahaha!! If you don't see any difference in me please whack me.
Oh, and another thing. I pray that I will be able to do good to people who do bad to me!!
